Favorite 100 Films, Favorite Actors and Head Scratchers

One of the most interesting jobs I had growing up was working as a ticket taker, concession attendant, projectionist and assistant manager at the Village Theater in SE Portland. I can still smell the popcorn. 

Working in the movie business came with the side benefit of having access to other theaters in the Luxury Theater chain to watch movies pretty much anytime I wanted. This became my go to free time activity because it was 1) Free and 2) An awesome period for movies! The Godfather, Animal House, Saturday Night Fever, The French Connection, Dirty Harry, all those disaster movies “Earthquake, Towering Inferno, The Poseidon Adventure, Jaws, Airport 1975…

And this doesn’t even take into account the other more controversial movies that were coming out at the time during the tail end of the so-called sexual revolution. As a 17 year old junior in high school, let me just say, I had a strong dose of curiosity about these things. Suddenly they are in my purview.

I still remember dancing out in front of the old Broadway Theater in downtown Portland after seeing Saturday Night Fever with some co-worker friends. The Blazers were winning, the free movies were flowing and I was almost 18 and a free man. The 70’s were great. It was a very memorable time.

Disclaimer

My lists are undoubtedly biased towards movies from the 1970’s. As I reviewed various lists like “IMDB Top 250”, “Rotten Tomatoes”, “Top 100 from Rolling Stone” and various other sources, I realized I had not even seen many movies on these lists. That alone should disqualify me from being a credible movie critic, however, that’s not going to stop me from making a list of my own preferences based on what I’ve seen over the years. People can judge for themselves. I’m hoping it’ll make it entertaining to compare notes with anyone else who has bothered to make such a list.

I have titled the list “Favorite 100 Movies” as opposed to “Best 100 Movies” because these are based on attributes of movies that I identified with in some way, or tickled my funny bone or had a storyline that gripped me from the start. That’s all it takes to get on the list. 

LOTR? Star Wars? Not my jam, didn’t make the list. Gone with the Wind? Casablanca? Great movies long ago but didn’t make the list.  You won’t see a ton of romcom’s or horror movies either. Romcoms can be well done like When Harry Met Sally but for the most part, meh. Horror Films, apart from the I Know What You Did Last Summer, Exorcist and maybe The Omen, I wouldn’t recommend spending 2 hours of your life on. 

I’m more into movies with trickery and double crossing, and about how the good guys eventually trick the bad guys and win the day (see The Fugitive, The Sting). Count me in on movies about mobs and Cosa Nostra, prison breakouts and capers where the poor guys outsmart the rich guys. When one unsuspecting tough guy meets up with a guy who knows martial arts (whoops!). Suspense movies where I’m on the edge of my seat but without gratuitous violence. Anything that can make me laugh is a possible contender and I’ll throw in a movie or three with strong sexual tension just because I left the theater going “wow! Did I just see that?

I’ve added comments in a few places that hint at the reason why a certain movie made my list in case you’re interested. Note: You may need to scroll to the right to see comments.

As I was going through this exercise I began to wonder if it wouldn’t be productive and informational to first list all of my favorite actors and from there I could more or less go top down. I’ve taken a stab at those lists as well. 

Just as important as knowing a person’s favorites is being provided with a list of absolute duds. I will throw in a few of those because I think that says just as much about the writer as the favorites do. See the “Head Scratchers” Table

[Note: Scroll to the right in tables to read comments]

Bill, Donna and Pickles 2023 in Review

Ho-ho-ho. Time for the annual humble-brag.

Let’s start with the good news. 2023 was great for our overall health and we are both loving retired life. 

Pickles is starting to slow down just a little. She still loves her walks, her treats, and adores any humanoid instantly. She’s not satisfied until she says “hi” to everyone in the park. She’s always run with reckless abandon and it caught up to her this year when she went headfirst into a shrub and poked her right eye. It’s healing well now, but not without a fair amount of veterinary intervention. Tomorrow she gets to take her cone off. She’s excited about that.

Donna decided to get a series of 9 golf lessons at Redtail Golf Course and is striking the ball with authority these days. Just ask the guys who were trying to clear off the 3rd green at Sahalie! Just kidding, she didn’t do that, but she has hit long off the tee on some par 3’s. She got her first birdie before she got her first par which is rather unusual. I saw it myself and vowed not to let her beat me on any more holes the rest of the day. 

She spends her days taking care of the garden and yard, having happy hour and other activities with friends, working on art projects in her shop and participating in a monthly music group (more on that later). We venture out together to estate sales, music events and whatever else suits us that week. Next year she’s signed up for a metalsmith class in the hopes of adding that skillset to her repertoire. She’s never at a loss for something to do.

Bill (that’s me) had a very enjoyable year in so many ways. I took a job umpiring baseball games for Lake Oswego Little League which kept me really busy from April through June. The grand finale was 7 All Star games at the District 4 Tournament for 10 and 11 year olds. I had a blast and learned a lot. During the summer I built a playhouse for the grandkids in the back yard and a few other things (see pictures). There was sawdust flying everywhere for a couple of months. Donna decked out the inside of the playhouse in her inimitable style. 

I got out about once/week for some golf at Charbonneau with my buddy Glenn Smith while the weather was good. As if that weren’t enough fun for one year I signed up to referee basketball with PBOA and CYO and am now a first year referee (probationary status 1). They keep sending me paychecks so I must not suck too bad. BLEEP! WHITE 22, ON THE ARM, 2 SHOTS! It’s actually harder than it looks.


The year wasn’t all fun and glory however. We lost my cousin Mike Eady in August. Mike was a one of a kind guy. I wrote a blog post/tribute to him here. We miss him dearly. He was soooooo funny, a diehard Duck fan, and such a great writer. See a hilarious sample of his writing here. 

We also lost my step brother Gary Hicks, a character if there ever was one. Gary had to deal with blindness his last year of life which was very difficult. I was able to get over there and assist him doing small things that were inconsequential to me, but made a big difference to him. Gary was my brother from another mother. I miss him and his very unique sense of humor. 


Donna and I are anxiously awaiting the re-opening of the new Lake Oswego Municipal Golf Course! It’ll be an executive par 30 course, just right for us old geezers who like to get a par once in a while. No big plans for the coming year, just enjoying the hell of of not working and the anti-stress lifestyle associated with that. 

On the music front, we both attend a monthly group of musicians hosted by our awesome neighbors across the street Patt and Don where we get to play a song or two to the crowd. Donna has a couple of duet partners (violin, piano) that she has a lot of fun collaborating with. We’re regulars now and look forward to our monthly “gig.” I did manage to add one recording to YouTube here. 

Other than that we plan to continue to hit the estate sales because there’s no possible way we have enough stuff yet. 


The Fam

On a sad note we went from having all of the grandkids around to 3/5. The Gilpin’s moved to Goodyear, AZ during the summer and headed for warmer weather. To heck with Oregon and Sherwood! We miss them and going to the GKs sporting events and other get-togethers. 

The Grandkids, whoo-boy. They are growing up fast. Kaden is 15 (almost 16), a sophomore, driving and pitching JV for his high school in Goodyear, AZ and swings varsity when his team needs an extra arm. Karter is 13 and active in football and baseball and swimming in his new pool. They are the nicest boys ever. They make us proud every time we see them.

Emilia is 4 and like her dad, quite the character including back seat song critic. She played soccer this year and enjoys pre-school. We love everything about Emilia. She’s a sweetie. 

Gwennie is also 4 and tried soccer this year and does dance lessons as well. She’s very focused on getting her dance routine right and does a great job. Her sister Ellie (2) as best we can tell spends a lot of time trying to keep up with Gwennie. The girls are a heavy dose of cute and going to be so much fun to watch them grow up in the coming years. Lucky us! 


Images from 2023

The Playhouse
Emilia checking out the inside of the playhouse
Kaden and Karter taking a golf lesson
Gwennie and Ellie showing us their findings from inside the playhouse
Karter (catching), Kaden (umpiring)
Gwennie and Ellie at Chuck E. Cheese

Donna’s Arts and Crafts Work Bench
Ariana, Donna, and Emilia during a soccer timeout
Ellie sampling an apple from the back yard
Paver project. Not the funnest project ever.
About the hit the links at Sahalie
Gwennie made a few bucks at her lemon-aid stand this year at OCF. 
Silver Falls Hike
Estate Sale Find and Fix-up. Art drawers. 
Flattened out back behind the shed with some RR Ties
You’re Out!
Lean-to for storing patio furniture during the winter
Me and Kelli at a concert. What the heck is she drinking?
Ellie Checking out the toys inside
Emilia and Gwennie making big plans
Donna and Pickles at Haystack Rock
Rob (coach) and Emilia on a typical Fall Saturday
Bumper crop of 6 gallons of apple sauce this year from the back yard.
I dunno, I thought it was funny! 
These are original Bill Toner designed bumper stickers. Get one while they’re hot! Limited supply! 

Alcohol and the Addictive Personality

So no judgement here to those who enjoy their wine, beer or cocktails. I was a light drinker for about 30 years and moved up to a moderate to sometimes heavy drinker later in life. 

I got a wakeup call with a stroke on December 24th 2012. Slow learner than I can be at times, it took me another 12 years to see the obvious. That alcohol wasn’t adding to my life in a positive way. I know that’s not true for everyone but when I was honest with myself I had to admit that it was doing more damage than good.

Post-stroke I’ve had to take an impactful list of medications that have side effects of their own, and as the labels clearly say, they don’t mix well with alcohol. I’ve had issues with dizziness, brain fog, and feeling lethargic. In the end it didn’t make sense to add more fuel to the fire.

Roll the tape back 30 years and what I found out about myself is that I have an addictive personality. I was addicted big-time to caffeine for decades. I quit and restarted caffeine no less than 50 times and immediately endured the severe headaches that come along with that, only to start again. I’d rotate between coffee and pop. At its worst, I’d brew a pot of coffee in the morning (I had a coffee pot in my cubical at work) and refill it a few times. If it was diet soda I’d bring in one of those small college refrigerators to work and fill it up with cans of Diet Pepsi or Diet Coke. I knew it was getting bad when it wasn’t enough to bring in a 12 pack every couple of days and switched to carrying around a 2 liter bottle with me. All day long. Some of the times I quit it was because I got tired of having to find a restroom every hour.

Alcohol wasn’t the exact same experience for me. Quitting was actually easy. I didn’t have any side effects at all. Didn’t need to go to AA or take one day at a time or any of the 12 steps. I don’t think I fell into the typical alcoholic label because I never craved it. I just enjoyed having some wine with my meals and often times a 2nd glass and maybe a 3rd. That be fine if it were once a week but I seemed to find an excuse to open up a bottle just about every night.

The only thing I miss about it today is having a glass of wine handy on those rare occasions when I’m in the kitchen cooking. Other than that, I’m good. Ordering at restaurants doesn’t bother me. Soda water it is. Deal.

Since retiring I’ve had a goal of betting back into some semblance of shape as well.  Alcohol was dragging me down make me feel tired so that I missed opportunities to exercise because I was just out of energy. Getting fit requires a combo of dietary changes and cardio/physical workouts. With its sugar content, wine wasn’t helping me keep my calorie count down either. 

Everything in moderation? Sure, if you can do it. I had a hard time, but that’s just me. It’s a very personal choice. 

Looking back on a whole year without alcohol I can honestly say my year’s list of accomplishments is way up. I feel better more often and with process thoughts with more clarity. As with caffeine I just tell myself I had a pretty good run with it for a number of years. I used up my lifetime allotment in less than a lifetime so that’s enough I guess. If this helps a reader in some way, great. If not, carry on and do what works for you. 

The Besmirch Strategy

If it worked before maybe it will work again?

One can’t argue with the fact that the Benghazi hearings were wildly successful at smearing Hillary Clinton in 2016. Such a large dose of media attention focused on questioning Secretary Clinton’s motives and competence did real damage to her campaign and allowed the media to “both sides” two candidates, even though one of them had been caught on tape bragging about being able to grab women by their private parts because he’s a celebrity. 

The republicans aren’t all stupid but after the unanimous impeachment inquiry vote it would appear they are desperate. So desperate that they realize their one and only chance at reclaiming the White House is to implement Benghazi 2.0 in the form of making up conspiracy theories about Hunter Biden. It’s a Hail Mary if there ever was one but it’s all they have. 

I’d like to predict an embarrassing failure but 2016 has taught me that we can’t trust the media to not “both sides” issues like this one. Instead we have to rely on getting out the vote in record numbers. 

Rob The Plumber

With Joe Biden joining the picket line with union workers in Michigan recently it appears that the tide may be turning with regards to the union vote. Even though Reagan did all he could to bust unions back in the 1980’s it seemed like the Republicans somehow successfully stole the support of union members and it’s stayed that way. Until now.

Recall that in his 2008 presidential campaign John McCain successfully made a connection with the labor movement by trying to help “Joe the Plumber.” Joe was your average private business owner out there trying to scratch his way to the American Dream and finding it difficult. McCain was there to help and it provided a boost to his campaign. The average “Joe” connected with the idea.

Given that unions are making a comeback and republicans are no where to be found for support, I came up with a novel idea for democrats to latch onto for 2024.

My son Rob is a 2nd year plumber apprentice. He too is out there trying to make some scratch towards the American Dream and he’s a proud union member, solid democrat and about as anti-MAGA as a person can be. Maybe Biden should latch onto this idea and mimic McCain’s successful attempt at connecting with the working class. It’d be fun to turn the tables on those guys.

Movie Review: Woodstock ’99

I feel like the movie should have been subtitled: Learn to quit while you’re ahead.

The original Woodstock Story made history because it attracted 400,000 people — well above the estimates, featured a long list of breakout bands, sent a message to “The Establishment” to watch us spend 3 days focusing on free love and peace without being uptight about anything (thanks in part to a plentiful supply of marijuana) and got a little crazy after some rain (those crazy kids slid around in the mud and some took their clothes off. Oh my!

Woodstock ’99 made the headlines because it was one of the biggest clusterfuck events in Rock ‘N Roll History. Let me count the ways:

In 1969 Michael Lang was in his early 20’s but managed to get himself a job as one of the promoters having co-organized the Miami Pop Festival where an estimated 25,000 people attended the 2 day event. Lang re-appears in Woodstock ’99, again as a promoter, much older and clearly aloof when it comes to taking any personal responsibility for the failures of the festival. The film documents clearly how event organizers tried to whitewash the multiple disasters as the product of “a few bad apples.” Hardly.

From the looks of it, the event organizers put their energy into figuring out ticket pricing, distribution and how to prevent the free-for-all entry that happened at the original Woodstock festival in 1969. It’s clear they were determined to make a profit this time. Nothing wrong with that but they failed at every other aspect of the event planning and execution.

There was no plan whatsoever to have the kind of infrastructure necessary for a crowd this size, and this time they had a good idea of how many were coming so there’s no excuse. It looks like they hired a vendor to drop off a bunch of port-a-potties, hundreds fewer than what was needed, with no plans to service any of them during the 3 day festival. The predictable happened. Shit piled high everywhere stinking to high heaven.

In their quest to make a profit they enacted a rule that festival goers could not bring in their own water. Bottled water was available from vendors for $4/bottle (price gouging in 1999) and there wasn’t nearly enough of it. The vendors were only too happy to raise the price as the supplies got low, enraging the crowds.

Perhaps the biggest miscalculation was the odd mix of bands they invited to perform. Sheryl Crow along with Limp Bizkit, Korn and Megadeath? Sheryl Crow is one of the greatest singer/songwriters of the last few decades. The other “bands” stood up there and played power chords at high volume while encouraging the crowd to participate in a no holds barred rave at high energy. The band’s purpose was to whip people into a frenzy and if that’s what the organizers wanted, then mission accomplished. The problem is it wasn’t safe for anyone out there. People were legitimately getting hurt. Which brings me to the next notable failure

The organizers saved a ton of money by not hiring any security. In their place they hired “Peace Organizers” who were outnumbered and helpless against a raging crowd.

The biggest miscalculation of all was to arm each festival goer with a candle. The must have envisioned some kind of Kumbaya moment to end the festival. Really? To the Red Hot Chili Peppers? What the got instead was burnt towers, semi trucks and fencing. A pissed off crowd added anything burnable to the conflagration.

Of course part of a Peace and Love festival is going to be about mind altering drug use. It was in 1969 and you could count on no drug sniffing dogs being deployed at Woodstock ’99. The difference is the type of drugs used. Woodstock was about marijuana and maybe some LSD. Woodstock ’99 was about ecstasy and heroin. People were legit having very serious medical problems with virtually no way for an ambulance to gain access.

What struck me the most about the movie was the interviews with Michael Lang. He took absolutely no responsibility for the failures. My impression was he got lucky in 1969 and got elevated to the post of festival guru when in fact he was way over his head from the beginning and shouldn’t have been there in the first place because he didn’t know what he was doing.

The movie had great footage that captured pretty much everything. The interviews were revealing, except for Michael Lang who seemed to oscillate between trying to polish this turd to the best of his ability and pretending to care at all.

References: Woodstock 1969 vs. 1999

R.I.P. Mike Eady

A week ago I attended a memorial service for my cousin Mike Eady. Mike was 67 and passed away from a heart attack while playing soccer.

Mike came from a family of 6. He had a twin brother Pat, a younger sister Janice and younger brother Jim. So many of the stories from the memorial service supported the storyline of an idyllic childhood growing up in Eugene and Sacramento. Growing up in Portland and frequenting Eugene for Saturday Ducks games, I remember the Eugene years the best. I wish there was a way to articulate the level of hilarity that the Eady family brought into our lives. Pat and Mike, seemingly joined at the hip since birth had an innate ability to play off each other and argue a point in rapid succession as if they knew what the other one was going to say next. You had no chance in part because it was coming at you fast, but also because you were laughing so hard.

Late into life Mike still had an appreciation for the classic shows of the sixties and seventies with enviable recall. Perry Mason, Twelve O’Clock High, Laugh In, Candid Camera, Hogan’s Heroes, Green Acres, Gilligan’s Island, The Beverly Hillbillies. His recall included not just the character names but their real names as well, and oftentimes what other shows they appeared in.

Mike was a lover of the game of baseball, and in particular minor league baseball. For several years he was a season ticket holder for the Sacramento Rivercats. In 1984 Glenn Wagonner authored a book titled “Rotisserie League Baseball” which was the origin of what’s mostly called Fantasy League Baseball today. A bunch of guys in New York came up with the idea of competing against each other over baseball stats to basically see who is the better General Manager. They held an auction draft where each owner, with a limit of $260, bid on players to fill out their team and compete in both offensive (HRs, RBIs, Avg. and SBs) and pitching categories (ERA, Whip, Wins and Saves). Mike of course got wind of the book and ended up starting the Ring Lardner Rotisserie League in Sacramento with family and friends in 1985. Baseball stats, competition, social gatherings to talk sports. He’s was all-in. The League is still going today, in its 38th year, but unfortunately now looking for a new commissioner to replace Mike.

Mike was a prolific writer. Some owners produced newsletters associated with their teams where they would oftentimes complain about underperforming players as well as the goings on of the league regarding baseball matters as well as social gatherings. Mike’s team was the Eady Atoms and the name of his Newsletter was “Atomic Droppings.” I would need to sit down before starting to read because I knew the LOLs were coming, even some ROFLs. Case in point. One year when Dusty Baker was managing the Giants and playing their hated rivals the Dodgers, the Giants were up big and Dusty put in some subs prematurely and almost let the Dodgers back in it. Mike was incensed. “You don’t take your foot off the gas playing the Dodgers. That’s like stopping in the middle of sex because you already know how it’s going to end!” Among the most hilarious stories I’ve ever read is Tennis A-Go-Go. Give it a read for a good laugh.

The thing I most admired about the Ring Lardner Rotisserie League is a feature I have failed to incorporate into the Fantasy Leagues I have participated in over the last 4 decades. While each team owner contributed some money for the betting pool, the league wasn’t about winning money. It was understood that there would be an end of the season banquet and much of the money from the betting pool would support dinner and drinks that night. The winner would take home a few bucks and of course, bragging rights, but there has always been a strong emphasis on the social aspects of the league. The auction draft at the beginning of the season and the banquet at the end were days owners could look forward to and be assured of hilarity with their friends. Mike was a strong proponent of the social aspects. He got it. He who dies with the most friends at the end wins.

I grew up with 3 wonderful sisters and was the only boy in the family so the Eady cousins were the closest thing I had to brothers growing up. Jim and I are about a year apart and share fond memories of going to Autzen stadium watching the hapless Ducks in the 1960’s and ’70’s, sitting in the Knot Hole Gang seats (basically in the end zone right in front of the loudspeakers). 6-5 was a stellar season for the Ducks back then and Knotholes tickets cost 50 cents.

One summer in Eugene we spent the afternoon at the Amazon pool with Jim. An impressive outdoor facility with a set of 3 pools including a diving pool, our parents could get rid of us from 1-5pm for 15 cents a kid. I remember Jim and I were minding our own business down at the deep end of the pool taking a bit of rest and talking, hanging onto the side of the pool with our heads above water. Out of the blue, we hear “Hello, Bill” and “Hello, Jim” and there was Pat and Mike jumping in right above us, one hand on our heads, dunking us under the water and holding for a few seconds, and then disappearing off to another part of the pool. The odd thing was, as uncomfortable as that was at the time, I couldn’t wait to come back to Eugene for the next round of elder brother abuse.

The Turn Verein gathering hall in Sacramento was packed with friends and family to pay tribute to the man Mike was. To know him was to experience very intelligent conversation on a wide range of subjects with a unique perspective and usually a roomful of laughter. Mike valued his friends a great deal and it showed at the Memorial Service. He was admired and loved by many, and though he died much too young, in many ways he won the game of life. He will be remembered fondly by so many of the people whose lives he touched.

Rest in peace, brother Mike.

Maybe There Will Be a Recession?

So you’ve been laid off. You’re in good company.

Every day for the past few weeks I’ve read posts on LinkedIn from people who have been let go who are now using their network to try to find opportunities. The sheer number of these posts isn’t surprising since Tech companies have been cutting back by tens of thousands, and in some cases more than once. I can’t recall a time it’s been this way since the early 1980’s. It’s bad.

I read with interest yesterday that the Federal Reserve hiked interest rates for the 10th consecutive quarter. Chairman Powell said he believed that there was a greater than 50% chance that a recession could be avoided. Thems pretty hollow words for Tech Workers, especially if you’re in recruiting or project management. For affected tech workers, we’ve been in a recession for almost a year.

Now the question becomes how to respond to a crummy situation.

As someone who has experienced a layoff, the thing I tried to remind myself of was that navigating your way to an actual job offer is in part timing and luck. Well, right now the timing sucks. It’s simple Econ 101. Too many headcount chasing too few jobs. That’s not your fault and there’s nothing that can be done about it in the short term. The good news is that history tells us tech will come back, and probably stronger than ever. We just don’t know when yet.

That leaves us with luck. I’ve never been too keen on relying on luck to get my mortgage paid.

So do we give up? No, of course not. But you might be best served by considering doing something different for a while to keep the bill collectors off your back. There’s no shame in changing course as life throws you curve balls. It’s should be seen as a sign of resiliency. The thought of taking a lesser title or a haircut in pay is a tough pill to swallow. I can speak to this from first hand experience. I once took a $15k whack and a lesser job to keep the money pipeline flowing. It took me a few years to get that back but at least I avoided a gap and kept the creditors at bay.

Multiple times I have seen peers not budge on potential opportunities because their pride wouldn’t let them take a non-management role or a perceived step down in any way. They hold out for the perfect opportunity and end up with nothing. I’ve seen houses lost and relationships destroyed over the inability to be flexible as the situation requires.

Another thing to consider might be that it’s possible you might actually like your alternative path better than sitting in scrum meetings and working the kanban board. A break from Remedy or JIRA might be just what the doctor ordered for your mental health.

Tech will come back and if it’s your life’s dream to work again in tech I’m sure you will, but a tech job doesn’t define you, or at least it shouldn’t. For some people I think having more of a pivot mindset could be helpful — at least in the short term. This is all about the psychology of the market right now. COVID happened. The supply chain got disrupted. Companies took a hit on their bottom line and got spooked.

It’ll change. I hope you can find something fulfilling to do that pays the bills.

Well, That’s a Setback To My Narrative

Suppose that you entered a golf tournament and did pretty well, winning the front nine by one stroke but lost the overall championship by four strokes. Suppose further that you felt your opponent to be an inferior golfer who didn’t have as many followers on the course as you did. There’s just no way this guy could have beaten you.

Then suppose that you raise holy hell with the tournament officials about how the other guy had to have cheated to win. You assert your opponent took birdies on holes he bogied. That he had a secret deal with the greenskeepers to move the flag to a tougher position when you played the hole. That he had someone steal your ball on the 16th fairway in order to jigger your score on the back nine.

Your large following of supporters agree with you that this absolutely has to be true and put pressure on tournament officials to review the tapes to stop the steal of the tournament.

The tournament officials then agree to review the tapes and find no evidence of cheating on your opponent’s part. Your supporters then claim that the tournament officials are in on the fix and order an investigation of the investigation.

Then suppose that the very investigation you ordered shows that not only did you lose the tournament, you cheated on the front nine by having your caddie pay a woman in a tank top $130k to flash her bare chest at your opponent right before he addressed his ball on the first hole. Not only did you not win the back nine, YOU cheated on the front nine.

That’s how Donald J. Trump feels right now.